25 posts tagged “self image”

A friend posted this very interesting article in his own blog today all about how the smarter someone is, the harder a time they're probably going to have in finding a partner or building lasting relationships with other people. I was originally going to respond to it with some of my own insights in a comment to his original post, as I had many, but I then thought it might be something I'd prefer to explore in my own space in more detail and share with my own friends. 

It's definitely a very interesting article and I could identify with a lot of it. Throughout the length of it the author made five major points in regards to how intelligent people typically run into obstacles when it comes to dating and forming relationships with others, so I'll list them and respond to each individually. Maybe he's right and my so-called "brains" probably have played a major part in why I haven't been more successful in forming a stable social circle or cultivating lasting romantic relationships over the course of my life.

1. Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.

Here's the odd thing about the "me" I was when I was still growing up. I was more or less effortlessly smart, meaning I didn't fit most people's image of "the smart kid" at all. I didn't spend all my energy studying, worrying about my grades, or dreaming about all the monumental accomplishments I was going to fill my life with. In fact, I didn't even really trywhen it came to school and I mostly considered "being smart" to be a burden. I was a shy little girl who very much hated attention or being singled out from the rest of the kids in any way, and I saw my so-called incredible mind to be the cause of all my troubles. I didn't want to be special in any way. I wanted to be normal -- to fit in. 

Being smart was something I was very ashamed of as a child and made every effort to hide. I treated it like some kind of deformity. It wasn't that I didn't want to identify with others or form strong connections. I just... couldn't. I was too different and I never understood why. My parents and teachers very much wanted me to be more achievement-oriented, but the other thing about me is that I'm incredibly stubborn. If someone thinks they can make me do something, you can bet I'll make damned sure it's the last thing I ever do -- to prove I can't be controlled if for no other reason. It wasn't until later on that I discovered I actually enjoyedbeing more achievement oriented than I had been previously.

2. Smart people feel that they're entitled to love because of their achievements.

I wouldn't say this is true of me. I will admit that I probably feel I'm entitled to a high standard of living because of my achievements, intellect, or inherent "value" to society, but that is because I work hard and make a conscious effort to give back to the rest of the world. I don't, however, feel I'm entitled to love. In fact, I think my biggest problem is that over the years I've become very hardened to the idea of love or friendship. Since it isn't territory I can conquer just by thinking or working hard enough, I've dismissed it as something people like me can take or leave. 

Part of this may be due to the fact that I've had very few even slightly deep or rewarding connections with other people over the course of my lifetime. I can clearly see how much such things enhance the lives of other people I know, but I have never really experienced it myself to any degree that could be considered expansive. While I've had many romantic relationships and friendships over the years, very few of them have gone beyond a certain emotional depth.

3. You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being, and therefore don't act like one.

This may be correct of me in some ways, but not in any way that people ever notice, if that makes any sense. The author of the article talks about a lot of smart people neglecting their appearance because they identify more with themselves on a mental level. I've never been this way... not really, anyway. It could be in part because I'm an artist and therefore more visually oriented, but I've always been relatively attentive to my physical appearance -- especially when getting ready to go out in public. It's part of how I show respect for myself. While I may do things like forgo "extras" like make-up or elaborate outfits sometimes, I don't like feeling sloppy or dirty by any means.

I've also always apparently been considered to be very beautiful by others -- especially men. In fact, I've typically had to beat them off with the proverbial stick. This is despite the fact that I'm not at all flirtatious or even friendly in many cases. I don't like being approached, bothered, or even noticed by others when out in public, and I personally feel that it shows. However, for some reason people have always read my lack of interest or openness as extreme confidence or "playing hard-to-get" -- attractive qualities to many. In reality, I don't make any conscious effort to attract attention to myself or present myself to others as a "sexy" person. Peopleassume I'm a very sexual, very socially-oriented person solely because I exist in a body I had no hand in choosing, which brings me to my next point.

The article is correct in the sense that I don't really "connect" with my physical body as an actual part of me. I consider my own beauty to be irrelevant and really don't understand why anyone else would consider it important. My body is nothing but packaging to me. I didn't choose it and I don't identify with it. If anything, I find having a body to be incredibly irritating. I sometimes hate that I have to waste time feeding it, cleaning it, or grooming it. I even feel like being required to exist as a physical being actual holds me back in many ways.

4. You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.

This is incredibly true of me. I over-think absolutely everything. Sometimes this is a good thing, but when it comes to matters like human connection that must be navigated via emotion as opposed to logic, it just doesn't work. That's really all I have to say about this. The author is right. I probably think my way out of happiness more than I care to realize.

5. By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect.

This is the truest statement of all. Like anyone else, I want to be around people that I can identify with while still remaining "myself". The truth is I'm not that insecure little girl who was so profoundly ashamed of her intellect anymore. I have grown to truly love being smart and even to consider it to be my defining characteristic. However, I've had to accept that a lot of people can't keep up with me in this department. A lot of people don't perceive or understand the world in the same way I do and they don't share my interest in so-called "smart people" pastimes or interests. 

A true partner in any sense of the word is someone I don't have to dumb myself down for for any reason, and in many of my past relationships and friendships, I have had to do that in order to keep the peace. In that sense, it's always been difficult for me to form deep, lasting connections with others even when I really want to. The author of the article suggested three ways of dealing with this part of the issue, which I will address separately. (Yay for bullet lists!)

• Loosen up. 
  
  This is in all likelihood never going to happen. The fact of the matter is that I am still a very stubborn person with high standards. I want what I want the way I want it. I don't want social connections with others just for the sake of having them. If they're not going to bring the kind of fulfillment to my life that other people get from their social connections, then I'd honestly prefer to go without. I like being me, and my social relationships need to be able to accommodate me just the way I am, as well as give me room to evolve.



• Do a very thorough search all over the planet and be prepared to move to Dusseldorf.
  
  I know he's joking, but my lack of ability to connect with people in my immediate area was exactly why I started socializing online more. I have more of a social life on the internet than I ever had in real life. This is solely because I'm not limiting myself to only the people that live within X number of miles from me. And what's so bad about moving to Dusseldorf? I'd personally love an excuse to live in Dusseldorf. If I were single and looking, I'd almost consider having a chance to experience life in another country or state to be a plus as opposed to a drawback.



• Join a monastery.
  
  Laugh if you will, but some of you may remember me talking about this subject in the past. If I had grown up in an environment where religious faith played a very large part in my life, I very likely would have at least considered becoming a nun, a missionary, or something similar. It actually doesn't sound like it would have been such a bad life for me.

Trying to figure out what the defining moments in my life have been up until this point really wasn't any easy feat. None of the obvious choices really apply in my case. For instance, like a lot of people, I've been married and divorced. However, unlike most people who go through those experiences, neither of them really affected much about my life or my identity as a person. 

I know it sounds terrible, but I more or less got married "just because" and chose to get divorced just as flippantly when it didn't work out to my liking. In both cases, life went on very much as usual for me. Neither event felt at all monumental to me or had much of an impact on who I eventually became. I've always been weird that way though. Other seemingly "big" moments -- like first job, graduation, first apartment -- don't really seem to have much significance for me either. 

However, I think I've managed to pinpoint some that do. The odd thing that all my "moments" have in common was that I didn't recognize them as being monumental or life-changing at the time at all. In each case, their importance only became clear long after they occurred. 

1. First Art Sale: The first time I ever sold one of my personal pieces of art was very much a defining moment for me. The fact that someone would actually pay their own hard-earned money for something I was as proud of and that I felt defined me as much as my art did meant more to me than I can ever fully explain. Up until that point, I was certainly used to hearing praise and encouragement from family, friends, or teachers in regards to how great they thought my art was, but knowing that perfect strangers who had no reason to want to stroke my ego might feel the same way changed a lot about how I saw myself and my talents. From that moment on, I started to take some of the things I was good at a lot more seriously.

2. First Vacation Without My Parents: When I was younger, I was painfully shy and didn't ever really do much without one or both of my parents right there by my side. This was especially so when it came to going out of town or taking a vacation. I did that for the first time with a friend from work one spring after graduating college. We drove to Las Vegas together -- a good nine hours or so out of where I lived at the time -- and I had a blast. Up until that point, I'd never really been out "on my own" or been free to just do whatever, nor had I ever had any wish to, so I was surprised and delighted when I actually really liked it. I now think of the day I got in that car to go to Vegas as the day I started to become my own person outside of who I was to my family.

3. First Time Buying Groceries With Freelance Money: I was really never someone that could get excited about working for someone else. I hated having to arrange my life around someone else's schedule, let someone else dictate what my time was worth per hour, and wait on someone else's customers for them. In order for me to enjoy or be good at a job, I really have to be personally invested in it and I just don't care about being a cog in the machine of someone else's business. Working for myself is different though. I really care about my customers and the quality of the work I do, and as a result, I take great pride in everything attached to it. 

However, as is the case for most freelancers, it took me a while to get to the point where I could actually pay my bills that way, and I actually wondered for a long time whether or not I'd ever really be able to truly leave working for other people behind forever. The moment I realized I actually had was the first time I was able to push a full cart of groceries out of the store that had been paid for entirely with freelance writing money. It was probably one of the proudest moments of my life.

4. Winter 2003-2004: That was the period of my life during which I wound up becoming estranged from a bunch of my core family members. It was also probably one of the only experiences I've ever had that I considered to be truly painful for me on an emotional level. Up until that point, a huge part of my identity related directly to the role I played within my family unit, and without that unit in place anymore, I was forced for the first time to really examine who I was and decide how I felt about that. It was very difficult, but I did it, and although I still wish I could have learned that lesson in a less painful way, I'm still nevertheless glad I learned it. I wouldn't be the same person I am now without the insight I gained.

5. Opening My First Blog: Keeping a journal was nothing new to me at that point in my life, as I'd kept one since I was little. However, allowing other people to read what I wrote was. I was always painfully shy and very introverted -- even as an adult -- and it was unusual for me to really share much of myself with anyone in any way. Starting to share some of my experiences, thoughts, and feelings with what potentially amounts to the rest of the world was an important turning point experience for me. 

Although I'm still very much a loner, I'm much better at allowing others into my life and my thoughts than I once was. Blogging was also what eventually helped pave the way to my eventually sharing my artwork with others, taking my writing skills more seriously, and connecting with others to a degree I doubt I ever would have been open to otherwise.

Here are my answers to that "Things People Don't Know About You" meme that's been going around. However, I could only think of five right now, even though I was supposed to do eight. If I can think of others, I'll post them, but for now five will just have to do. Also, I don't know if they're really things nobody knows about me, but they're little known facts to say the very least. 

1. Someone once told me that they were certain I was the Antichrist. They even tried to make me admit that I knew I was the Antichrist and that I was just waiting for my chance to take over the world. This person was 100% serious about this. As for me? I'm still not sure whether or not I'm incredibly insulted in regards to that or supremely flattered. On one hand, they thought I was pretty much the living embodiment of evil, but on the other, they thought I had the potential to take over the world. Tough call.

2. In high school, someone started a rumor that I had fake hair because they thought it was too pretty and too long to be real. For a long time after that, a lot of other kids tried to prove that the rumor was true. Some of the cruelest of them tried to set my ponytail on fire once. They apparently thought that if it was a wig, or a weave, or something, it wouldn't burn. I also had random girls run up to me and pull handfuls of my hair really hard for the same reason. I guess they thought it would come off or something. Good times.

3. I had some really weird guy that used to come into the shop where I used to work try repeatedly to get me to model for print ads for his bike shop. He sold like... Harleys and whatnot, I guess, and he wanted me to agree to be dressed up in leather and photographed draping myself all over some of the bikes. I declined, because I personally can't think of anything that would embarrass me more than having pictures of myself in skimpy leather outfits hanging up all over town, but this was nevertheless a running joke among my co-workers for years.

4. I'm borderline obsessed with old ephemeral films from the '40s and '50s -- you know, the ones that taught kids from back in the day how to groom themselves properly, behave in social situations, and basically be well-rounded, healthy individuals in every sense of the word. They're so interesting, not to mention completely surreal. It's a bit like opening a little window into the past that scares and amuses me in equal parts. I'm still reeling over the one that says no meal is as nutritious as it could be until it's slathered with butter. 

5. I think having a body is gross. I mean... really. It is. I honestly have to try not to think about the fact that I am indeed the not-so-proud owner of a bunch of squishy items like brains, and kidneys, and intestines, and ligaments. Plus, I find my body's natural urges -- for food, sex, sleep, and so forth -- to be supremely annoying most of the time. This is precisely the reason I want to be cremated when I die -- so the whole body thing can be truly and finally over with someday.

Oh, and just FYI? A couple of disclaimers in regards to a couple of the above statements.

1. My hair is indeed very real. Dyed? Yes. Fooled with so that I don't have to deal with my natural curls that I hate? Yes. Fake? Absolutely not. Each and every hair on my head actually grew out of my scalp inch by inch.

2. I am not the Antichrist to the best of my knowledge. Believe me when I say that if I were, I would very definitely not be able to resist bragging about it.

I appear to be in a spontaneous "sharing" mood right now, and it's been ages since I posted any new pictures at all. I don't really change much, and I'm not much of a picture person anyway, so I guess I don't see the point a lot of the time. However, I'm sure it's nice for my friends to be able to see that there's a real person on the other end of all this babbling now and again.

That's just a little webcam capture from a few minutes ago -- nothing fancy. No make-up, no postwork or clean-up in Photoshop. Just me as I looked sitting in front of my computer working on a project a few minutes ago. It's the very same me you would have seen if you were sitting here with me. 

Back when I used to be more into posting photos and whatnot, I used to go through lots of trouble to look stunning and all, but these days I guess I'm just not that into spending a lot of time on my looks every morning. I really don't have it to spend these days, so I tend to save make-up and extra fuss for days when I'm going somewhere and planning to be around the general public. 

To be honest, I think I look fine without make-up. I don't know how or why, but I apparently haven't aged a day since high school. All that's changed about me even somewhat recently is my hair length. Right now, it appears to be a mere six inches away from being waist-length in the back and that's after this morning's trim. I swear my hair grows faster and thicker than a garden full of weeds.

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Who says I ever plan on growing up? I think the secret to happiness lies in becoming responsible and mature while still remaining young at heart, and I honestly try to do that to the best of my ability. If you're talking career though, I'd like to continue growing and building on what I'm doing currently. I'll always write and I'll always make art because I love it so much. Those things have been part of my life since childhood and when I'm not actively doing them at a given time, I actually feel kind of lost.

I would also like to continue exploring more options that are related to my interest in astrology. I'm turning out to be really good at doing it on a professional basis, and it obviously merges well with my ability to express myself through both writing and art. I'd also like to someday explore more options in regards to combining my interest in writing with my interest in wine and food.

2. What did you want to be when you were younger? How does this compare with your life now and your vision of your future life?

When I was younger, I don't know that you could really call me very ambitious. I equated the idea of having a career with being chained to a desk and living at the mercy of some boss whom you may or may not get along with. That was before I found out it was possible to find ways to do things you love and that you're good at within parameters that feel comfortable to you. 

I did nevertheless half-heartedly consider several options as far as a career path goes, since we all have to do something. I majored in psychology for a while, and thought about becoming a therapist. I also considered turning my love for animals into a veterinary career. I even actually worked as a veterinary technician for a while, but nothing I tried was a very good fit. At heart, I guess I've always been a quiet, creative type.

As far as how all that compares to where I wound up, I guess I thought I'd probably be directionless, or else trapped in a job that didn't really fit me, for the rest of my life. I never imagined that I'd actually find work that I love and actually look forward to what the future might bring my way from a career standpoint.

3. Are there dreams you've given up on for reasons other than changing desires? What made you give up on them, and how do you feel about them in hindsight?

Like I said, I don't know that I ever had "dreams" in the way most young people do. In many ways, I'm learning to dream for the first time at this stage of my life because I'm only just now reaching a point where I'm exploring different places to live, career options, and choices in regards to how I can live my life. I had no idea there were so many choices out there. In regards to dreams though, I don't believe in giving up on anything you really want or believe in. It turns out that a lot of things are easier to accomplish than they seem at first.

4. Are there things (like marriage or college) that you've always believed would be part of your life? Did you get them? Are you still looking? Have you moved on?

Well, I guess most of my thoughts about the future when I was young revolved around the idea of being in a major relationship or a marriage. However, after a bunch of failed relationships, I've kind of given up the ghost in regards to ever finding a perfect one. I'm just not someone that can make my life about someone else, nor do I want to be anymore. I do still value the idea and the experience of being in a relationship, but I no longer expect to get total fulfillment out of it. I've learned to turn to my career and personal achievements for that, and I have to admit that my mother was right. That's a much better, healthier way to go.

I also suppose I hoped travel would be a bigger part of my life by now, but alas. I've lacked the funds to really make that happen. I also think I've lacked the independence, but all of that has been changing dramatically in recent years. Traveling is something I've always wanted to do a lot of in my life -- especially in regards to Europe. I'd honestly even like to try living in England, Ireland, Scotland, or France if the opportunity ever presents itself. I have definitely not given up on that dream. I still am very serious about making it happen someday.

5. What is part of your life now that you would never have imagined as a child or teenager?

Probably responsibility. As I touched on above, I always imagined myself married to a husband that could and would take care of all that stuff for me, but life really didn't work out that way. I didn't see or want a career, a full life like I have now, or any sort of variety and change at all. I guess I imagined my entire life as turning out very different from the way it did, but I'm hardly disappointed. I don't think I would have been truly happy as a common hausfrau, to be honest, and it really would have been a shame. Even if I do say so myself, I'm really very talented in a number of different ways, and it would have been a shame not to have gotten a chance to really explore what I could do with those talents.

It's hard for me to believe that yet another year has gone by. My mom was right when she said that one day when I was older, a year wouldn't seem like an eternity anymore. Well, I'm definitely older now and I'm beginning to see her point. As is typical for me around this time, I've been thinking a lot about all the changes I've been through in my lifetime -- not just recently, but over the years, and there certainly have been a lot of them. I've also been thinking about some of the lessons I've learned over that period of time. The following are just a few that I've found to be applicable to at least my life.

• Nothing is permanent or guaranteed... and I do mean nothing. I don't think it's healthy to be so attached to any person or situation that you don't know what you'd do or who you'd be without it. If life ever decides to pull the rug out from under you, it will be a horrific experience for you. If you're lucky, you'll never have to learn this lesson the hard way like I did, but if you do manage to embrace it somehow? You're free. You can literally be anyone or do anything. It's like the whole world just opens up.



• Lots of change and cycling in one's life is not necessarily a bad thing. In regards to some of us -- like me -- it's necessary in order to fully become who we are meant to be. I used to worry that my trying on so many faces, so many identities, and so many hats meant I was no one and that I'd never figure out who I was truly meant to be. I now know that the answer is that I was meant to be all of those girls -- just at different times in my life.



• That it was necessary for me to be somewhat immersed in the superficial and material at one point in my life in order to be able to reject it and embrace something deeper at another. I've stopped seeing my days during which beauty, and greed, and charm were my whole life and my living as wasted time spent following the wrong path. I wouldn't be the same person I am now if I hadn't had those experiences and gained the depth I have now as a result.



• That in a few more years I won't be the same person I am now and that's OK. I'm not meant to be the same for a lifetime -- none of us are. I'm enjoying being who I am at this moment, but I'm also learning to view becoming a different version of myself in the future as an exciting adventure to look forward to as opposed to something horrific that I should dread.



• That the most important attribute I ever developed was an open mind. Some of the things I've been through in my lifetime would have broken me if hadn't. Although I won't go so far as to say I don't ever worry about any tragedy or loss that might be waiting for me in my future, I do feel better knowing for certain that whatever happens, I'll be able to get through it just fine.



• That it's not actually that difficult to get on the road to achieving the things you've always wanted to. It's just hard to actually make the decision that you're going to get out there and do it. Once I just got off my ass and decided to take certain things off my bucket list and start making them happen now, it was just a matter of working hard enough. There was no golden ticket I needed to have the way I always thought -- no magic wand. The only thing that had been stopping me before was me and all my illusions in regards to how the world works and what it takes to get along in it.

This list will continue to grow as the years pass, because the "learning" part of life is really never over with. Who'd want it to be? It's rather exciting and I'm riding the wave rather well, even if I do say so myself.

There must be something in the air. People have just been frustrating me to no end lately, and I don't think anything frustrates me quite the way being misunderstood does. (And no, this has nothing to do with anyone here. It's an art world thing.)

One thing that it is really important to me to do when it comes to the small following I do have in regards to my creative work is to set the kind of example that I personally consider ideal. When I first started doing all this, I really never expected anyone to give a crap about my work or to look up to me, but there really do seem to be a lot of newer, younger artists who do. I feel obligated to make sure I'm doing right by them.

One thing that really irritates me about other "bigger" artists who have achieved any measure of success with their work is their attitude toward those that look up to them. Many of them seem to want their fans to think they're perfect, and they seem to take pleasure in the fact that so many young artists look at their work, feel discouraged, and think "I could never do anything like that". They don't seem to feel any responsibility for their fans or any compulsion to help or encourage other artists.

I've always been different in that respect. People thinking I'm "perfect" irritates me and annoys me, because it's just not true. I personally don't even consider "perfection" to be desirable. I want my fans to realize how hard I worked to be any good at what I do, and how hard I still work out of a desire to be even better. I want them to know how shitty-looking my first drawings were and how frustrated I sometimes stillget when I can't get something just right. I want them to look at me and see something that they can become if they want to, and I want them to know that I'm not anywhere near where I want to be. I'm still very much a work in progress, and the creative struggles they experience are very much still present in my life.

To me, the only perk in having any power or sway over anyone else is the fact that with it comes an opportunity to use it to help make that person's life better. That's really what I try to accomplish to the best of my ability. I won't tell anyone how to make art just like mine, but I will give them tips on how to get more exposure, how to price their work, or how to start attracting potential customers if they need or want advice. 

I will encourage people to push past things like artist's block, discouraging comments from people who don't understand their passion, and so forth. I will do those things because I wish some other artist had cared enough to do them for me when I was just starting out. If I can help even a couple of other artists not give up on the passion that means so much to them, then I will consider my life to have been well spent.

I guess for that reason, it irritates me when people mistake my candidness and honesty about hard experiences, discouragement, or failures I've experienced for potshots I'm taking at myself. I don't share them because I want to be bucked up by anyone or told I should think more of myself and take credit for just being "really gifted". I've never had a problem admitting that I think I'm extremely good at what I do and deserve every bit of the recognition I've gotten. However, I'm also extremely proud of having been a very hard worker, so statements like that feel just like a slap in the face sometimes. 

I do it because I want others to know that I was right where they were once, and that in many ways I still am. I mostly have stubbornness and hard-headedness hard work and dedication to thank for any progress I've made -- not luck, not bullshit, not "pure talent". Some talent, yes... but pure, magic, effortless talent? Hell no! Anyone who'd ever seen my earliest attempts at art would know this, because they were not masterpieces. I get artist's block, too. I see work by artists who are better than me and get jealous, too. I have techniques I wish I could master and can't quite pick up the same as they do. I even have days where I look at my work, feel like it all absolutely sucks, and wonder why I even bother just like anyone else.

I want people to realize that if I can achieve something through dedication and hard work, then that means they can do it, too. And if it turns out they can't? Well, at least they gave it their best shot, and that's something to be proud of as well. Not enough people really try anymore when it comes to things they want for themselves, or they do what I did and put off the trying for far too long, and that saddens me. I really, really want to change that for others in any way I can.

Last night was the first night in a very long while that I had trauma dreams about my childhood. I think that I had probably forgotten how absolutely terrified I once was of growing up and becoming an adult. Obviously I'm pretty much over that these days, as I've been an adult for many years now and the world has yet to actually end, but I must still remember exactly what it was like on some unconscious level. 

Dream 1

In the first dream, I was in a redwood forest, getting ready to climb one of those big giant ones you always see documentaries about on the Travel Channel. Cut to me somehow being all the way at the top of the tree without understanding how the hell I got there. I think "oh crap I have to get down from here because this is dangerous" but see that the nearest branch is way too far down for me to actually get to safely. 

This is where I look around at all the other redwoods in the forest and see that each has a person of its own climbing all the way to the top... only they apparently remembered to bring their ropes, pulleys, and climbing gear so they could get around so high up safely without having to worry about falling. I, of course, have no such gear and wonder how I could have been so damned stupid. 

From there, I remember thinking that the only way out of the situation was to choose between starving to death and committing suicide by jumping out of the tree. I also vaguely remember deciding I was going to jump to get the horror over with as quickly as possible.

Dream 2

I was on the beach wading out into the ocean and enjoying the water, which was only about knee deep. After I get out a certain distance, I notice that there are two brown cows swimming in the water and wanting me to play with them. I love cows, so I comply, petting them and splashing around with them in the ocean without a care in the world.

And here is where there's another weird cut to the same situation, only an extended amount of time into the future without me knowing how I got there. I'm still out in the ocean, only I apparently wandered so far out that I can no longer see the shore. The sun has gone down, the cows are gone, and apparently the tide has come in... severely. The water is now up to my shoulders and rising and I don't know how to swim, so this is just as bad as being stuck up in a redwood.

I try to wade toward where I think the shore ought to be, and it turns out someone has closed the ocean... like... for the night or something. There is high, wrought iron fencing cutting off the deep part of the ocean where I am from the shore where it's safe. Needless to say, I again feel panicked because there is no way out of a perilous situation.

I vaguely remember riding my childhood bike to the beach and looking for it on the shore itself, although it's waaaaaaaaaaay past where the iron fencing is. I see it on the beach, only it's rusted, bent, and twisted.... like a bike that's been in the junkyard for years. I remember wondering how that could be since I literally just rode it to the beach earlier that day. 

I again start to panic because I realize I don't remember where I live or how to get there, so even if I manage to escape the situation and find alternate transportation, I will have nowhere to go. At this point, I wake myself up because this was the umpteenth dream of this type that I'd had that night.

So how do I know for sure these were terror dreams about childhood and not just any old anxiety dreams? Because I remember the kind of terror I was feeling all too well, despite the fact that I haven't felt it sincechildhood. It was the exact same terror I used to feel when I was young at times when I would think about how awful I thought it would be to have to grow up and be an adult. It was just this positively overwhelmingcombination of anxiety, terror, and uncertainty. I recognized it right away upon waking from these dreams. I had forgotten it totally in the years since childhood, it would seem.

Oddly enough, I woke up this morning and read that Neptune had gone direct last night, and supposedly dreams about long-buried things that I don't normally think about were a possible result. This would be especially so for me since my Neptune is in my first house, the house of identity. I usually keep track of what's going on with my chart just out of interest, but I don't keep track of it that closely, so I had no idea. (I suppose that could be some of the reason certain things have been on my mind over the past couple of days.)

Typically I avoid thinking about the past a whole lot... at least in that sense. I consciously consider overindulging in nostalgia or spending time stewing about past relationships or past concerns to be an immense waste of time. Even when I have nightmares, they're typically about the future, or else supernatural things that would be totally beyond my control, like demon possessions, or hauntings, or something. 

These were much worse though. They took me back to a time in my life when I felt utterly powerless and overwhelmed in a way I no longer feel as an adult. However, I also feel oddly cleansed this morning -- as if during the night I somehow put down a load I've been carrying for a long time, if that makes any sense. That's not the typical feeling I tend to have after a long cycle of nightmares. I'm not totally certain why these should really be any different.

Most of you can probably recall my mentioning that from time to time, I will actually Google myself. As I understand it, a lot of people do -- especially if they have work they're putting out there into cyberspace and wanting to keep tabs on. Mostly I do it because I just want to see what comes up, and I like to know whether or not Google is prioritizing my personal website over... say... my My Space or something -- boring stuff like that. However, every so often, I unexpectedly stumble across something really awesome postedabout me by someone else that I doubt I would have found any other way, and to be honest, some of those things just make my day.

I actually stumbled across a little blurb about All Cats Are Grey a while back via Google. I've been meaning to blog it for a while so that I don't forget it, and in my usual fashion, I'm only just now getting around to it even though I originally found it months ago. It was written by an art student who opened up an art blog on Live Journal as part of a school project that required him or her to choose pieces of art that moved them, analyze why, and then write a few words about it. This person actually chose All Cats as one of their pieces at one point. They had the following to say about it. 

What attracted me to this piece: I love the sensibility the artist managed to achieve with this piece - she effectively managed to replicate the feel of a real media painting while painting solely with her tablet in various programs. The lighting, composition and gesture of the figure all also really stuck me in the eye.

Additional commentary: The artist's comments on her inspiration for the piece struck me as well - I as well was ignorant of the phrase "in the dark, all cats are grey" - and now this piece has presented it to me for my consideration. The imagery Hilson uses of a dejected looking musician suggests that the saying means that if unknown, no matter what your skill, you're still nothing but a wisp - a shadow. I feel that too.

I was honestly really touched by this review. They even referred to me by my last name which made me feel incredibly professional. You know... it's one thing to hear that your art is moving from your friends or your family, but it's a completely different animal to hear it from a total stranger who has no reason to want to boost your ego. Especially when it's a stranger that never figured you'd ever read their words. 

Part of me wishes this person had told me they were going to showcase my artwork in advance, but another part of me is really glad they didn't, you know? This was a nice surprise. It's kind of funny, but I always used to fantasize about something I painted or wrote being discussed in a classroom one day. I didn't think I was really anywhere close to reaching that point yet, but it's kind of nice to see that that's apparently happened in its own way already at least once that I know of. I love that.

The funny thing is, I often find myself wondering when, and at what level, I can actually consider myself tobe at "that point" without feeling like a pompous ass. I never look at myself and consider myself to be a successful artist, or even a popular artist. I guess this is mostly because I tend to look at things like that in comparative terms, and when I see so many artists out there that are many, many times bigger than I am, I guess it's hard to see myself as being comparable to them in any way. 

They make more money, they make money more often, they have more fans, and they're more widely known. In my own eyes, I'm nothing like them. I'm just someone who likes to draw and has been obsessive enough about it over the years to have become reasonably good at it. Seeing that art students are digging up one's work and discussing it for school does help a lot though. 

I don't know who you are, how you found my work, or if you're someone that ever visits my site on a regular basis, but thank you. You really made my day, and the fact that this piece touches you touches me in return. We artists are just like everyone else, after all. Even if we're good, we don't always really knowthat. We're only human, after all.

I heard a line from a movie once, although I can’t rightly recall which one it was just now. "Isn’t everything we do just a way to be loved a little more?" I don’t know about "loved". I’m hardly a wizened, wrinkled guru of a human being yet, but I’ve seen a few things, and I’ve known many different kinds of people. Because of certain experiences, I’m really not at all certain that everyone out there really wants to be loved.

However, I am certain that we all want to be heard. It’s struck me before... how primal that need to be heard really is. I think I first noticed it when I was little and hungrily devoured Greek myths by the pageful all summer long. Gods curse people exactly that way -- not always, but often. People cross a divinity and find their ability to be heard compromised somehow as a consequence. They lose their voices. Perhaps they keep their voices but are doomed to never have a word they say believed by a living soul ever again. We’ve all heard the stories -- if not the originals, then some of the many regurgitations that decorate humanity’s collective consciousness.

I think life revolves around this always -- this need to find our voices and project them out amongst the masses. We all have our ways of doing this, or of trying to do this anyway. Some of us have healthier ways of doing it than others, of course, but we all have our ways. Some people act out. Some teach. Some paint pictures or write stories. Some just scream "look at me, love me" as loud as they possibly can in whatever language they know hoping that others can hear them on the other side of the glass.

If we’re lucky, someday someone hears us, and then we can breathe a little more easily for a while -- until the need to be reassured surfaces once again. If people can hear us, then that means we exist, and we must be reminded of our existence via this avenue again and again. I’m really not sure how I feel about that.