1 post tagged “relationships”

A friend posted this very interesting article in his own blog today all about how the smarter someone is, the harder a time they're probably going to have in finding a partner or building lasting relationships with other people. I was originally going to respond to it with some of my own insights in a comment to his original post, as I had many, but I then thought it might be something I'd prefer to explore in my own space in more detail and share with my own friends. 

It's definitely a very interesting article and I could identify with a lot of it. Throughout the length of it the author made five major points in regards to how intelligent people typically run into obstacles when it comes to dating and forming relationships with others, so I'll list them and respond to each individually. Maybe he's right and my so-called "brains" probably have played a major part in why I haven't been more successful in forming a stable social circle or cultivating lasting romantic relationships over the course of my life.

1. Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.

Here's the odd thing about the "me" I was when I was still growing up. I was more or less effortlessly smart, meaning I didn't fit most people's image of "the smart kid" at all. I didn't spend all my energy studying, worrying about my grades, or dreaming about all the monumental accomplishments I was going to fill my life with. In fact, I didn't even really trywhen it came to school and I mostly considered "being smart" to be a burden. I was a shy little girl who very much hated attention or being singled out from the rest of the kids in any way, and I saw my so-called incredible mind to be the cause of all my troubles. I didn't want to be special in any way. I wanted to be normal -- to fit in. 

Being smart was something I was very ashamed of as a child and made every effort to hide. I treated it like some kind of deformity. It wasn't that I didn't want to identify with others or form strong connections. I just... couldn't. I was too different and I never understood why. My parents and teachers very much wanted me to be more achievement-oriented, but the other thing about me is that I'm incredibly stubborn. If someone thinks they can make me do something, you can bet I'll make damned sure it's the last thing I ever do -- to prove I can't be controlled if for no other reason. It wasn't until later on that I discovered I actually enjoyedbeing more achievement oriented than I had been previously.

2. Smart people feel that they're entitled to love because of their achievements.

I wouldn't say this is true of me. I will admit that I probably feel I'm entitled to a high standard of living because of my achievements, intellect, or inherent "value" to society, but that is because I work hard and make a conscious effort to give back to the rest of the world. I don't, however, feel I'm entitled to love. In fact, I think my biggest problem is that over the years I've become very hardened to the idea of love or friendship. Since it isn't territory I can conquer just by thinking or working hard enough, I've dismissed it as something people like me can take or leave. 

Part of this may be due to the fact that I've had very few even slightly deep or rewarding connections with other people over the course of my lifetime. I can clearly see how much such things enhance the lives of other people I know, but I have never really experienced it myself to any degree that could be considered expansive. While I've had many romantic relationships and friendships over the years, very few of them have gone beyond a certain emotional depth.

3. You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being, and therefore don't act like one.

This may be correct of me in some ways, but not in any way that people ever notice, if that makes any sense. The author of the article talks about a lot of smart people neglecting their appearance because they identify more with themselves on a mental level. I've never been this way... not really, anyway. It could be in part because I'm an artist and therefore more visually oriented, but I've always been relatively attentive to my physical appearance -- especially when getting ready to go out in public. It's part of how I show respect for myself. While I may do things like forgo "extras" like make-up or elaborate outfits sometimes, I don't like feeling sloppy or dirty by any means.

I've also always apparently been considered to be very beautiful by others -- especially men. In fact, I've typically had to beat them off with the proverbial stick. This is despite the fact that I'm not at all flirtatious or even friendly in many cases. I don't like being approached, bothered, or even noticed by others when out in public, and I personally feel that it shows. However, for some reason people have always read my lack of interest or openness as extreme confidence or "playing hard-to-get" -- attractive qualities to many. In reality, I don't make any conscious effort to attract attention to myself or present myself to others as a "sexy" person. Peopleassume I'm a very sexual, very socially-oriented person solely because I exist in a body I had no hand in choosing, which brings me to my next point.

The article is correct in the sense that I don't really "connect" with my physical body as an actual part of me. I consider my own beauty to be irrelevant and really don't understand why anyone else would consider it important. My body is nothing but packaging to me. I didn't choose it and I don't identify with it. If anything, I find having a body to be incredibly irritating. I sometimes hate that I have to waste time feeding it, cleaning it, or grooming it. I even feel like being required to exist as a physical being actual holds me back in many ways.

4. You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.

This is incredibly true of me. I over-think absolutely everything. Sometimes this is a good thing, but when it comes to matters like human connection that must be navigated via emotion as opposed to logic, it just doesn't work. That's really all I have to say about this. The author is right. I probably think my way out of happiness more than I care to realize.

5. By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect.

This is the truest statement of all. Like anyone else, I want to be around people that I can identify with while still remaining "myself". The truth is I'm not that insecure little girl who was so profoundly ashamed of her intellect anymore. I have grown to truly love being smart and even to consider it to be my defining characteristic. However, I've had to accept that a lot of people can't keep up with me in this department. A lot of people don't perceive or understand the world in the same way I do and they don't share my interest in so-called "smart people" pastimes or interests. 

A true partner in any sense of the word is someone I don't have to dumb myself down for for any reason, and in many of my past relationships and friendships, I have had to do that in order to keep the peace. In that sense, it's always been difficult for me to form deep, lasting connections with others even when I really want to. The author of the article suggested three ways of dealing with this part of the issue, which I will address separately. (Yay for bullet lists!)

• Loosen up. 
  
  This is in all likelihood never going to happen. The fact of the matter is that I am still a very stubborn person with high standards. I want what I want the way I want it. I don't want social connections with others just for the sake of having them. If they're not going to bring the kind of fulfillment to my life that other people get from their social connections, then I'd honestly prefer to go without. I like being me, and my social relationships need to be able to accommodate me just the way I am, as well as give me room to evolve.



• Do a very thorough search all over the planet and be prepared to move to Dusseldorf.
  
  I know he's joking, but my lack of ability to connect with people in my immediate area was exactly why I started socializing online more. I have more of a social life on the internet than I ever had in real life. This is solely because I'm not limiting myself to only the people that live within X number of miles from me. And what's so bad about moving to Dusseldorf? I'd personally love an excuse to live in Dusseldorf. If I were single and looking, I'd almost consider having a chance to experience life in another country or state to be a plus as opposed to a drawback.



• Join a monastery.
  
  Laugh if you will, but some of you may remember me talking about this subject in the past. If I had grown up in an environment where religious faith played a very large part in my life, I very likely would have at least considered becoming a nun, a missionary, or something similar. It actually doesn't sound like it would have been such a bad life for me.