2 posts tagged “reflections”

It's hard for me to believe that yet another year has gone by. My mom was right when she said that one day when I was older, a year wouldn't seem like an eternity anymore. Well, I'm definitely older now and I'm beginning to see her point. As is typical for me around this time, I've been thinking a lot about all the changes I've been through in my lifetime -- not just recently, but over the years, and there certainly have been a lot of them. I've also been thinking about some of the lessons I've learned over that period of time. The following are just a few that I've found to be applicable to at least my life.

• Nothing is permanent or guaranteed... and I do mean nothing. I don't think it's healthy to be so attached to any person or situation that you don't know what you'd do or who you'd be without it. If life ever decides to pull the rug out from under you, it will be a horrific experience for you. If you're lucky, you'll never have to learn this lesson the hard way like I did, but if you do manage to embrace it somehow? You're free. You can literally be anyone or do anything. It's like the whole world just opens up.



• Lots of change and cycling in one's life is not necessarily a bad thing. In regards to some of us -- like me -- it's necessary in order to fully become who we are meant to be. I used to worry that my trying on so many faces, so many identities, and so many hats meant I was no one and that I'd never figure out who I was truly meant to be. I now know that the answer is that I was meant to be all of those girls -- just at different times in my life.



• That it was necessary for me to be somewhat immersed in the superficial and material at one point in my life in order to be able to reject it and embrace something deeper at another. I've stopped seeing my days during which beauty, and greed, and charm were my whole life and my living as wasted time spent following the wrong path. I wouldn't be the same person I am now if I hadn't had those experiences and gained the depth I have now as a result.



• That in a few more years I won't be the same person I am now and that's OK. I'm not meant to be the same for a lifetime -- none of us are. I'm enjoying being who I am at this moment, but I'm also learning to view becoming a different version of myself in the future as an exciting adventure to look forward to as opposed to something horrific that I should dread.



• That the most important attribute I ever developed was an open mind. Some of the things I've been through in my lifetime would have broken me if hadn't. Although I won't go so far as to say I don't ever worry about any tragedy or loss that might be waiting for me in my future, I do feel better knowing for certain that whatever happens, I'll be able to get through it just fine.



• That it's not actually that difficult to get on the road to achieving the things you've always wanted to. It's just hard to actually make the decision that you're going to get out there and do it. Once I just got off my ass and decided to take certain things off my bucket list and start making them happen now, it was just a matter of working hard enough. There was no golden ticket I needed to have the way I always thought -- no magic wand. The only thing that had been stopping me before was me and all my illusions in regards to how the world works and what it takes to get along in it.

This list will continue to grow as the years pass, because the "learning" part of life is really never over with. Who'd want it to be? It's rather exciting and I'm riding the wave rather well, even if I do say so myself.

A couple of days ago, my friend Allyson sent me a link to an article from called "Gifted Women: Identity and Expression". It deals with some of the stereotypes and struggles that women who are labeled "gifted" in one way or another at some point in their lifetime tend to have to deal with, but probably a lot of men could relate as well.

It was quite good, so I thought I might share. The following are just some reflections of my own on being identified as gifted myself as a child that reading the article has put me in mind of, and I found I felt inclined to write them down.

I was stamped with the whole "gifted" label really early on in life, and for years it was the bane of my existence. In fact, I can still barely write the word down in even marginal relation to myself without getting a case of the willies. If memory serves, I originally wound up with said label because I was this super stellar reader -- reading really difficult stuff, really well and at a really young age -- but eventually my creative abilities started factoring into the mix as well.

I seriously didn't get what was so special about reading well or knowing how to draw. I didn't see those hobbies or abilities as being any different from the ones other kids had, and I certainly didn't get why they should mean I had to be singled out and labeled while other kids were allowed to go on existing as they were. After all, I didn't see anyone putting my brother on a pedestal because he was good at video games. I didn't know why I had to be the one with the rotten luck to be noticed.

What I did know was that I had a hard enough time fitting in and belonging as it was, as I was painfully shy, and that being pointed out by adults as different for any reason was pretty much my worst nightmare come true. I remember being very embarrassed over specific situations, like being the only third grader who had to walk over to the fourth grade class for the "reading and comprehension" segment of the day. Things like constantly being singled out for recognition by my teachers, or repeatedly coaxed into participating in discussions more than the other kids so the entire class could hear how brilliant I was, didn't help either.

I now get that my teachers were trying to help me build confidence and accept my gifted status with pride, but I also remember just feeling really angry and resentful about it at the time. When you're a kid, all you want to do is fit in and I was certainly no different in that respect. I didn't understand why it was that the grown-ups in my life couldn't see that singling me out and setting me even further apart from the other kids was just making it all worse... and they didn't understand why I didn't appreciate it all or jump at the chance to be considered "special". As a result, I felt perpetually misunderstood by adults throughout my younger years, as well as completely alienated from other children my age, and I came to despise school, despite being someone that actively loves to learn.

In many ways I don't know that I ever did really come to truly understand, even as an adult. However, there was something in the article I mentioned that really rang true to me in regards to what the author called the "impostor phenomenon" that explained it to me a bit. I certainly felt like a "false genius" in the way that the article described, as I never saw myself as gifted or special in any way. Even to this day, you will never hear me refer to myself as "gifted", or even "talented", when I can avoid it. I always talk about being "dedicated" and "focused" instead despite having grown to be proud of my abilities.

I always thought I was just good at certain things solely because I worked hard at them and was passionate about them, and I truly believed that anyone could do the very same things just as well if they would similarly apply themselves. As far as I was concerned, my teachers and parents had it all wrong about this "gifted" nonsense, and I often worried about what would happen if I went along with it anyway and people eventually found out I was really just an average kid who happened to like to read, write, and draw -- not a prodigy like everyone thought. I didn't care what the IQ tests said. I didn't consider myself to be exceptional at all and hadn't a doubt in my mind that it was a huge mistake. This is apparently very common among people who are identified as similarly exceptional, for whatever reason.

I never did come to accept the whole "gifted" thing. In fact, I wound up actively rebelling against it for most of my grade school years, and intentionally underachieving in general in an effort to try to convince everyone they were wrong about me and that I was actually "just average". I didn't want to be considered a prodigy or a genius. I didn't want to take special classes, skip entire grades, or be sent to special schools. I just wanted to be allowed to fit in with everyone else and belong.

I didn't yet understand that some people just aren't ever going to fit in because their minds don't run along the same tracks as other people's the way I do now, and that like it or not, I was one of those people. It hadn't yet occurred to me that maybe that's what "gifted" really meant, and that it could be a positive thing if I could allow myself to see it as such. I was just so sure that my social problems were a direct result of being stuck with a label, but it was about something that ran much deeper than that, and I wouldn't come to accept that about myself until I was well into adulthood. 

I'm not going to pretend that I'm sorry I'm smart or creative. As you all know, those traits have become huge parts of my identity -- my pride and joy, in fact. However, the actual experience of growing up "gifted" was very lonely for me. You can't vent to anyone about the things you're feeling or experiencing, because no one wants to hear someone complain about how difficult it is to be smart or talented, so you wind up kind of carrying it around inside yourself like a deep, dark secret and being ashamed of it instead.

I doubt it's this way for everyone, but since I was so painfully shy and eager to fit in and be normal, it certainly was that way for me until I got older, gained a little perspective, built up a little confidence, and learned how to love and respect myself for who I actually was instead of just wasting my energy wishing I could be someone else. I think I grew up to be pretty well-adjusted , but you could still definitely say I have my beefs as far as labeling young, gifted individuals in quite the way I was labeled. It can just feel so much like a punishment to certain types of children.