4 posts tagged “humor”

Ever had one of those experiences where you start to question the accuracy of your own senses? Well, I had one of those yesterday. As you're probably aware, I've been well-immersed in Operation Becoming-A-Montana-Citizen lately. I'd already been to the DMV to update my ID and register to vote earlier in the week, since I've been playing with the idea of losing my "voting virginity" this year. Yesterday, I went down to the public library to sign up for a library card so that I can continue to be the ultimate book nerd when I'm not busy working. 

After we finished selecting our books and wandered around for a while, we decided to sit down at one of the tables upstairs and do some light reading. Seth had just settled down with a stack of magazines, and I had just cracked open a Clark Gable biography I had decided to check out, when we started to smell this... smell. It smelled an awful like hot dogs and garlic or something, but we just couldn't put a finger on what it was exactly. All I know is I really thought it was food. Neither of us had eaten yet, so it wasn't long before our stomachs were growling and we were wondering who the a-hole was that brought their fast food into the library to taunt everyone.

Eventually we just couldn't stand it anymore, so we got up to make a trip back to the snack machines. In the process, we figured out where the odd, can't-put-my-finger-on-it smell was actually coming from. Do you know what it was? It was this homeless guy who probably hadn't showered in months that had decided to chill in the library as homeless guys sometimes do! Suddenly it all made sense. Somehow I had translated the smell of extreme b.o. into the smell of food and was actually salivating over it. That made me feel a bit weird to say the least. I guess that's what sinus problems will do for you!

On the brighter side, the librarian that checked my books out for me correctly identified Violet Baudelaire from Lemony Snicket on my t-shirt, which made me smile. I got it years ago when the movie came out, and it's one of my very favorite shirts ever, as I'm a huge Snicket fan. It has the stylized cartoony version of Violet from the book illustrations along with the slogan "first impressions are almost always entirely wrong". People always think it's a cool shirt, but no one has ever actually realized what it is before. Leave it to a librarian! This just proves my theory that reading people are the best people.

Dear Maintenance Guy,

I realize I am still forced to rent because I have yet to save up enough money to put a down payment on my own home, but hey... poor folk are people, too. When I put a sign on my door that reads "Do Not Disturb", it is not your cue to try to force open my door twice. If the chain and the deadbolt didn't get the "not welcome" message across loud and clear, then the tire wedging the door shut probably should have. You may come in to do maintenance in my home when it is convenient for me. No other time.

Besides, I can see you out the window. You are twitching uncontrollably and look like you haven't had a shower or a square meal in months. To be honest, you also look a lot like you're on heroin. Plus, your 600-pound assistant down there should really stop picking his nose long enough to pull his pants all the way up. His ass crack and the hair sprouting from his ass crack are really not that sexy. He should probably stop scratching his balls, too. Now... don't get me wrong. I have a crotch, too. I know it can sometimes be itchy down there near the crotchal vicinity, but please. Try to control the clawing when in public. It greatly raises the chances of you being allowed into people's homes when you knock on their doors.

So do tell the landlord "thanks but no thanks... and kisses" from me. I appreciate the offer, but I don't have time to risk being sexually molested today, because let's face it. The two of you look shady as hell. I also don't have time to vacuum up the dirt you will track onto my carpet or to sterilize everything you touch to kill your West Nile virus germs. I'm dainty. My immune system is already dealing with allergies. It can't handle the plague, too. And hell no, you may not use my bathroom. Surely you understand.

Kind Regards and Lots 'O Cupcakes,
Miss Hilson

P.S. I own my own wolf, as well as my own attack cheese. Please don't make me point and sic. It could get ugly.

When I say my tastes in popular media are really varied, I seriously mean it. I really do like just about everything. For instance, I’m not one of those people that just says they like all types of music and then adds "oh... except..." followed by about twenty-five exceptions. Of course I like some types of music better than others, but my collection is honestly quite eclectic. If you looked at my iTunes, you’d see just about everything in there from Gilbert & Sullivan, to Dean Martin, to Metallica, to Tenacious D.

I’m the same when it comes to my taste in movies. Most people who know me only peripherally can probably easily imagine me watching vintage classics or Oscar winners, and I definitely do watch those very often. However, I sometimes wonder if people could as easily imagine me becoming obsessed with Blades of Glory and watching it over... and over... and over. I have, you know. We’ve seen Blades of Glory so many times we actually pretty much have it memorized, and it makes us laugh fit to cry every single time.

I guess I don’t buy into this idea that if you consider yourself an intellectual that you can only read "literature", listen to Bach, and watch foreign films -- you absolutely cannot like silly movies, or pop music, or Harry Potter. If that’s what you like, then great, but I personally like it all. I love a good opportunity to digest a little Shakespeare, Bach, or Tolstoy, but I also like to laugh at silliness or just be a kid now and then. It’s just how I roll.

What I do find funny though is that I still sometimes want to analyze things like Blades of Glory in an intellectual way and wind up thinking about it way too much. I’m told it can really be quite amusing. Like... for instance. There’s this scene in Blades of Glory that is supposed to be Will Farrell’s character Chazz’s total low point. He’s been officially kicked out of figure skating and now has to earn a living working in some lame kids’ production called Grublets On Ice skating around in a purple robe with a big plastic "evil wizard" head on... usually dead-ass drunk because he can’t deal with the shame.

One day he’s so wasted that he goes out on the ice in front of the audience and just starts babbling about all this really weird stuff from inside the wizard costume right before he starts vomiting uncontrollably inside the plastic head. Among other things, he feels the need to drunkenly introduce his costumed co-Grublet "Gary the Squirrel" to the audience and starts going on about how Gary told him at a bus stop once that he has a third ball or something like that. Now... I don’t know what it is about that scene, but it cracks me up... like... bad! It’s easily one of the funniest scenes in the whole movie to me, and I don’t even know why. It’s child-like amusement in it’s purest form, I suppose.

Still, the "intellectual" in me also feels the need to wonder further about Gary. If I’ve had a little wine or too much sugar, I will actually wonder out loud, much to Seth’s great amusement. Who is Gary really underneath the plastic squirrel head? How does someone even wind up with a third ball? Did he have a twin in the womb that he absorbed or something, leaving only this vestigial ball behind to show that he once existed? Why did he tell Chazz about it at a bus stop? Why did he tell Chazz about it at all? How drunk were they at the time? Why were they even riding the bus? Didn’t at least one of them have a car? Weird shit like that.

I know. I’m truly strange. And there’s probably something really wrong with the fact that I fascinate and amuse myself so very much. I ask too many questions... therefore, I am.