Posts (page 2)
You know -- it's funny. I was just thinking last night that what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving was not having to work retail anymore.
Of course, I was thinking such a thing because I happened to notice Thanksgiving dinner goes down much easier when you're not panicking about having to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to deal with wave after wave of bargain-crazed psychos the next day.
It's also rather nice to not have to spend most of my time trying to convince people to open credit accounts they can't afford, spend money they don't have, and give in to their insatiable sense of greed instead of doing something constructive with their time and energy.
However, I never in a million years dreamed I could actually be killed.
Yes, you read that right. Some poor employee at Wal-Mart was trampled to death this morning because people are really just that fucking greedy, selfish, and disgusting. What the hell is wrong with society?
That just makes me all the happier that I'm no longer part of that machine. I was always too honest and well-meaning to be a decent salesman, and I will admit that retail showed me a side of humanity at large that I really didn't like, but wow. I never really realized how disgusting the masses really were just... as people. Reading that article made my lunch go all sour in my stomach.
No one ever understood why I felt the way I did about working retail, since it was "just a job". Well, hey. This is why. Granted this is a very extreme case of what happens to people when "buying stuff" enters the picture, but it is certainly not the first time I've seen, experienced, or heard of truly unspeakable nastiness in the face of such things.
I myself have even been physically shoved, spit at, and had items thrown at me before just because the exact fucking cheapo pair of slippers some asshole wanted was out of stock, but I now feel terrible for thinking I had it so bad. At least I'm alive and free to enjoy my life and the company of my family!
I sure hope those assholes enjoyed their precious bargains. God forbid you should -- oh, I don't know -- not trample someone to death just to get to spending money you don't have on shit you don't need all of two seconds faster.
November has been an incredibly busy month for me, so I have a ton of work to get done today if I want to have a prayer of properly applying myself to Thanksgiving tomorrow. (My future mom-in-law has to work tomorrow, so I'm going to take care of the roasting and baking for her while she's gone.) I have a number of things I want to turn in to clients no later than Monday. Plus, I have 15,000 words to write for NaNo by then as well. I'll definitely be a very busy girl today. In the meantime though, here's a little mini-meme that's going around.
1. My defining characteristic is: I really suppose that depends on who you're asking and how they feel about me. I assume most people would say my creativity, as I'm generally known in one capacity or another for my writing and artistic ability. However, there are some from my actual life who would say it's either my generosity or my ego. Those who only know me in passing would probably say it's my so-called beauty.
2. My most evil moment was: You know, I really haven't had many truly evil moments, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm so strait-laced and disciplined as to be almost robotic, and sometimes that makes me feel very boring. Even on the rare occasion that I'm a bit tipsy, nothing much really changes. It's not that I'm inhibited. It's that there's apparently nothing all that interesting hiding underneath waiting to be unleashed.
3. My grossest injury (had or seen) was: Do animal injuries count? One of the many hats I've worn over the years was that of a veterinary technician, and I saw some pretty nasty things during that part of my life. Probably the nastiest would be a toss-up between something called a "de-gloving injury" that a cat sustained via a fight with a raccoon and a maggot infection that a neglected, living dog was dealing with. The maggots were especially disturbing, as up to that point, I was unaware that living things could become infested with them.
4. My oldest memory is: I'm not sure how old I was, but I was very little. Certainly too young to walk. My mom was pushing me around in my pram and I was positively roasting in the sun. My grandmother told my mom to pull the shade over me before I got a sunburn, and when she did so, I remember feeling very relieved. Odd thing to remember, I suppose.
5. My random fact is: Some of the things I enjoy doing most with my time are things I got into "accidentally". I started cooking and learning about food science because I was a picky eater and wanted to know exactly what was in everything I ate. I got into professional writing because I just "happened" to sell a couple of articles to a publisher. I hadn't seriously thought about it before that. I got into art and literature out of sheer boredom. My whole life is a series of happy (and sometimes not so happy) accidents.
6. My stupidest decision was: My stupidest decisions always have to do with relationships. I'm incredibly adept when it comes to anything creative or practical, but people are complicated -- especially when love is involved. I tend to rush into commitments with people, thinking I can accomplish anything I want to with relationships the same as I feel I can with other things, and that's never the case. Getting married to my ex was definitely a colossal mistake. I'm trying to become less headstrong in that respect for sure.
7. My weakest trait is: I'd probably say my stubbornness. I really am very pig-headed. Once I've made up my mind about something, there's no changing it. I pretty much always think I'm right and cannot be argued with without consequence. Believe it or not, this trait has been a wonderful help to me when it comes to my career, but it's been a real Achilles heel when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships with others. Others tend to feel I'm not flexible and accommodating enough when it comes to compromise.
Thanksgiving is almost here in the U.S., heralding the start of the holiday season and the first of many meals where you might be confronted with a traditional dish that you happen to find disgusting. What holiday food do you hate to see on the table?
Oh, that's easy. I'm a true food lover, and I honestly do really enjoy most holiday foods, but there are a few glaring exceptions. For instance, let's have a look at Exhibit A, shall we?
Now, granted it could be in part because my mother never would have even tried to serve us anything that looks like that hot mess, but I really hate green bean casserole. Actually, I didn't even realize that everyone else ate this monstrosity every Thanksgiving until I was much older. I'm not the biggest fan of green beans in the first place, and putrifying them by way of a can of condensed soup does nothing to improve my feelings on the matter. And the French fried onions? I really don't understand why those are even there, apart from simply making that whole used diaper of a dish even more confusing to me.
And now on to Exhibit B. I know this one won't make me any friends, but hey. Whose blog is this, anyway?
I know a lot of people are all about egg nog, but it positively nauseates me. It really does. I'm not really the biggest fan of thick, rich drinks in general -- (I'm generally of the mind that drinks should be refreshing) -- but the real barf factor here is the knowledge that this one contains actual beaten eggs. In my opinion, eggs have no business being anywhere near anything I intend to put in my mouth, so I'm not nuts about the idea of them hiding in my beverages. Just... no. Get it the hell away from me.
There must be something in the air. People have just been frustrating me to no end lately, and I don't think anything frustrates me quite the way being misunderstood does. (And no, this has nothing to do with anyone here. It's an art world thing.)
One thing that it is really important to me to do when it comes to the small following I do have in regards to my creative work is to set the kind of example that I personally consider ideal. When I first started doing all this, I really never expected anyone to give a crap about my work or to look up to me, but there really do seem to be a lot of newer, younger artists who do. I feel obligated to make sure I'm doing right by them.
One thing that really irritates me about other "bigger" artists who have achieved any measure of success with their work is their attitude toward those that look up to them. Many of them seem to want their fans to think they're perfect, and they seem to take pleasure in the fact that so many young artists look at their work, feel discouraged, and think "I could never do anything like that". They don't seem to feel any responsibility for their fans or any compulsion to help or encourage other artists.
I've always been different in that respect. People thinking I'm "perfect" irritates me and annoys me, because it's just not true. I personally don't even consider "perfection" to be desirable. I want my fans to realize how hard I worked to be any good at what I do, and how hard I still work out of a desire to be even better. I want them to know how shitty-looking my first drawings were and how frustrated I sometimes stillget when I can't get something just right. I want them to look at me and see something that they can become if they want to, and I want them to know that I'm not anywhere near where I want to be. I'm still very much a work in progress, and the creative struggles they experience are very much still present in my life.
To me, the only perk in having any power or sway over anyone else is the fact that with it comes an opportunity to use it to help make that person's life better. That's really what I try to accomplish to the best of my ability. I won't tell anyone how to make art just like mine, but I will give them tips on how to get more exposure, how to price their work, or how to start attracting potential customers if they need or want advice.
I will encourage people to push past things like artist's block, discouraging comments from people who don't understand their passion, and so forth. I will do those things because I wish some other artist had cared enough to do them for me when I was just starting out. If I can help even a couple of other artists not give up on the passion that means so much to them, then I will consider my life to have been well spent.
I guess for that reason, it irritates me when people mistake my candidness and honesty about hard experiences, discouragement, or failures I've experienced for potshots I'm taking at myself. I don't share them because I want to be bucked up by anyone or told I should think more of myself and take credit for just being "really gifted". I've never had a problem admitting that I think I'm extremely good at what I do and deserve every bit of the recognition I've gotten. However, I'm also extremely proud of having been a very hard worker, so statements like that feel just like a slap in the face sometimes.
I do it because I want others to know that I was right where they were once, and that in many ways I still am. I mostly have stubbornness and hard-headedness hard work and dedication to thank for any progress I've made -- not luck, not bullshit, not "pure talent". Some talent, yes... but pure, magic, effortless talent? Hell no! Anyone who'd ever seen my earliest attempts at art would know this, because they were not masterpieces. I get artist's block, too. I see work by artists who are better than me and get jealous, too. I have techniques I wish I could master and can't quite pick up the same as they do. I even have days where I look at my work, feel like it all absolutely sucks, and wonder why I even bother just like anyone else.
I want people to realize that if I can achieve something through dedication and hard work, then that means they can do it, too. And if it turns out they can't? Well, at least they gave it their best shot, and that's something to be proud of as well. Not enough people really try anymore when it comes to things they want for themselves, or they do what I did and put off the trying for far too long, and that saddens me. I really, really want to change that for others in any way I can.
Boy, this NaNo stuff is really kicking my ass. I managed to catch up the other day, but now I'm just behind again. I figure I might as well just go with it and catch up over the weekend. I've been seriously slammed on the work front this week and I just have not had much time to even think about NaNo.
I'm not worried about it though. Thanks to Cheryl, a writer friend I met through NaNo last year, I have discovered the phenomenon known as "word wars". Now, I've been doing NaNo for a couple of years now, so I know what word wars are. I've just never done them before because... well... to be honest, they sounded kind of stupid, and not at all like something that would really help me.
Well, I did a few the other morning with Cheryl and a bunch of other NaNo-ites from the forums just to make Cheryl happy, and I have to say that it really did make a difference! I went from being two days behind on NaNo to being just slightly ahead in about an hour and a half. (I guess I don't realize how much time I waste dicking around when I'm just writing on my own.) It was honestly really fun, too.
I'll definitely be word warring again this weekend to get my count back up where it ought to be before I get work-slammed again. If any of my NaNo peeps from here want to word war with me this weekend, you should let me know. We'll work something out!
Anyone want to see my kick-ass cover art for my current NaNoWriMo novel? Those of you who are also participating may have noticed that they have a spot to upload a cover concept this year. You know I couldn't turn down the opportunity to actually show off some original art along with my writing for people who actually click through and check out excerpts now and then. This NaNo stuff is serious business, man.
"The Pocket" Cover Art - © 2008 Shannon Hilson
Of course, it probably would have been smarter of me to actually get that done before NaNo started so the massive traffic jam the NaNo site is now wouldn't get in the way of my uploading it, but whatever. I'm persistent.
The piece used as the background depicts my main character, Lucy Locket. The following is the plot synopsis I have posted on my NaNo profile, for those that haven't somehow caught what the book is about from one of my other posts on the subject.
The Pocket chronicles the lives of two women in Victorian London -- Lucy, a brash, ignorant barmaid and Kitty, a woman of considerable means, but exceedingly scandalous origins.
For Lucy, Kitty symbolizes everything she wishes to be but has never been able to become, and she will stop at nothing to work her own way up to a similar position of luxury and seeming freedom. However, all things come with a price and all actions have their consequences. Lucy's desire to improve her lot in life soon develops into a dangerous obsession that threatens the well-being not only of Kitty herself, but also an innocent gentleman who becomes inextricably linked to both women in ways he never expected and certainly never bargained for.
A study in greed, lust, excess, and obsession, The Pocket explores the dynamics of life and position in a London long faded and turned to dust, even if the issues its citizens struggled with on a day to day basis have not.
I created this piece specifically for the cover of this book, so I'm sorry to say it won't be available as a print. However, if when I ever get around to editing the work when it's finished and putting up for sale in one of my shops, this will indeed be the cover I use.
Last night was the first night in a very long while that I had trauma dreams about my childhood. I think that I had probably forgotten how absolutely terrified I once was of growing up and becoming an adult. Obviously I'm pretty much over that these days, as I've been an adult for many years now and the world has yet to actually end, but I must still remember exactly what it was like on some unconscious level.
Dream 1
In the first dream, I was in a redwood forest, getting ready to climb one of those big giant ones you always see documentaries about on the Travel Channel. Cut to me somehow being all the way at the top of the tree without understanding how the hell I got there. I think "oh crap I have to get down from here because this is dangerous" but see that the nearest branch is way too far down for me to actually get to safely.
This is where I look around at all the other redwoods in the forest and see that each has a person of its own climbing all the way to the top... only they apparently remembered to bring their ropes, pulleys, and climbing gear so they could get around so high up safely without having to worry about falling. I, of course, have no such gear and wonder how I could have been so damned stupid.
From there, I remember thinking that the only way out of the situation was to choose between starving to death and committing suicide by jumping out of the tree. I also vaguely remember deciding I was going to jump to get the horror over with as quickly as possible.
Dream 2
I was on the beach wading out into the ocean and enjoying the water, which was only about knee deep. After I get out a certain distance, I notice that there are two brown cows swimming in the water and wanting me to play with them. I love cows, so I comply, petting them and splashing around with them in the ocean without a care in the world.
And here is where there's another weird cut to the same situation, only an extended amount of time into the future without me knowing how I got there. I'm still out in the ocean, only I apparently wandered so far out that I can no longer see the shore. The sun has gone down, the cows are gone, and apparently the tide has come in... severely. The water is now up to my shoulders and rising and I don't know how to swim, so this is just as bad as being stuck up in a redwood.
I try to wade toward where I think the shore ought to be, and it turns out someone has closed the ocean... like... for the night or something. There is high, wrought iron fencing cutting off the deep part of the ocean where I am from the shore where it's safe. Needless to say, I again feel panicked because there is no way out of a perilous situation.
I vaguely remember riding my childhood bike to the beach and looking for it on the shore itself, although it's waaaaaaaaaaay past where the iron fencing is. I see it on the beach, only it's rusted, bent, and twisted.... like a bike that's been in the junkyard for years. I remember wondering how that could be since I literally just rode it to the beach earlier that day.
I again start to panic because I realize I don't remember where I live or how to get there, so even if I manage to escape the situation and find alternate transportation, I will have nowhere to go. At this point, I wake myself up because this was the umpteenth dream of this type that I'd had that night.
So how do I know for sure these were terror dreams about childhood and not just any old anxiety dreams? Because I remember the kind of terror I was feeling all too well, despite the fact that I haven't felt it sincechildhood. It was the exact same terror I used to feel when I was young at times when I would think about how awful I thought it would be to have to grow up and be an adult. It was just this positively overwhelmingcombination of anxiety, terror, and uncertainty. I recognized it right away upon waking from these dreams. I had forgotten it totally in the years since childhood, it would seem.
Oddly enough, I woke up this morning and read that Neptune had gone direct last night, and supposedly dreams about long-buried things that I don't normally think about were a possible result. This would be especially so for me since my Neptune is in my first house, the house of identity. I usually keep track of what's going on with my chart just out of interest, but I don't keep track of it that closely, so I had no idea. (I suppose that could be some of the reason certain things have been on my mind over the past couple of days.)
Typically I avoid thinking about the past a whole lot... at least in that sense. I consciously consider overindulging in nostalgia or spending time stewing about past relationships or past concerns to be an immense waste of time. Even when I have nightmares, they're typically about the future, or else supernatural things that would be totally beyond my control, like demon possessions, or hauntings, or something.
These were much worse though. They took me back to a time in my life when I felt utterly powerless and overwhelmed in a way I no longer feel as an adult. However, I also feel oddly cleansed this morning -- as if during the night I somehow put down a load I've been carrying for a long time, if that makes any sense. That's not the typical feeling I tend to have after a long cycle of nightmares. I'm not totally certain why these should really be any different.
Sometimes I enjoy wondering just for the hell of it what my life would have been like if I were raised differently. I'm curious to know how much a different upbringing might or might not have influenced how I wound up applying some of my innate gifts as an adult.
It probably sounds a bit weird out of context, but as a result of a random conversation from yesterday, I've been wondering what would have happened if I were raised in a home where religion was really, really important. Like... say for instance that my mom was a staunch Catholic instead of a lapsed Catholic and she had decided to raise me up with Catholicism as a major influence. I think my life path could well have taken a different direction.
Now... this is going to sound very strange to those of you who know me well, but I think I actually would have been comfortable living a very religious, pious life providing it was something that I did from the very beginning. I have a tremendous sense of dedication to whatever I apply myself to, and I have actually never known anyone in real life who has the kind of willpower I have. I'm never even tempted to color outside the lines when it comes to anything I consider to be a moral or ethical issue. I'm really not.
Under those circumstances, I bet I would have made a terrific nun or religious leader or something. I even think I would have enjoyed "Catholic guilt" in a really weird way. There's part of me that really likes holding myself to my own set of rules, and I think that if I had grown up religious and adopted those ideals from an early age, I would happily hold myself to the rules of my religion just as dutifully.
Plus, I've always been rather fascinated by religion... particularly Catholicism. Actually, right after I moved to Great Falls, I went to Seth's cousin's wedding, which just happened to be a Catholic wedding. I thought it was beautiful, and I remember actually feeling jealous that I wasn't actually a part of the truly beautiful tradition I was witnessing, because part of me really wanted to be. I honestly wished I knew the responses, or was able to take communion at the very least.
This isn't to mean that I actually actively wish I were raised Catholic. I like how my life is turning out in thisreality way too much for that. Plus, the way I figure it, everything goes down pretty much the way it's supposed to, so if that were something I was meant for, it would have been so. However, I do often wonder what would have happened if things were different in certain respects.
I wonder if I'd still write and paint at all, or if I really would have eventually chosen to become a nun and dedicate myself to God. That certainly would have appealed to the younger me -- the me that never even wanted to leave home, didn't want anything to do with any sort of career, and wanted only to be protected for the rest of my life. I wonder if I would have found a way to use my creative gifts in a different way, or if I simply wouldn't have felt the need to do that at all the way I do in this life. Perhaps those things have become my own substitute for something else that I didn't have, and they wouldn't have been needed in another reality.
I definitely figure there are probably good reasons why that wasn't the life I was given. For instance, in astrology, the positions of your lunar nodes supposedly dictate what your destiny is supposed to be -- what traits you're supposed to be working toward acquiring, and what traits you're supposed to be working on leaving behind. My Southern node is in Taurus, meaning I naturally have a tendency to want to stick close to home, be kept safe, and never venture very far out into the world. There's more, but that's the gist of it. I'm supposed to be working on all of that.
My Northern node is in Scorpio, meaning that I'm actually meant to venture far and wide and have many different experiences in a variety of settings. I'm supposed to become comfortable with leading and with being someone who is charismatic, creative, and (supposedly) powerful. Transformation is the watchword for people with that position, and that's definitely something that's been forced down my throat in this lifetime, like it or not, although I can definitely say I've begun to embrace it at least semi-willingly in recent years. Learning to roll with the punches has earned me far fewer cosmic black eyes than I used to get.
I do not believe I would have successfully begun to progress in the direction I'm allegedly supposed to if I'd been raised religious. I would have wrapped my religion around me like a warm, soft blanket and happily sequestered myself away from the world... probably fairly early in life, too. I probably wouldn't have become an artist, a writer, or anything else that even kind of required me to actually be "out there" and part of the world. Most of you would very likely never even have heard of me. Weird, eh?
In other news, I'm pretty excited about a new job I applied for a little bit ago. I only just found out today that I actually got it! I'll be in charge of producing a monthly astrology newsletter, including actually making and writing up the predictions. I'm really excited, because this is something I always thought I'd enjoy doing, but I never really knew how you went about applying for such a thing. Well... now I know, and I can't wait to start! It pays well, too!
I'm really trying to keep the promise I made to myself that I wouldn't let my work projects keep me from continuing to pursue my personal projects. For a while, I was seriously considering forgoing NaNoWriMo altogether this year, but then I decided against it. I should be factoring things like that into the mix when I'm divvying out my time for the month, so I did that. Between the new astrology job and a couple more projects I've been given by two of my regular clients, I've got more than enough going to keep the cash flowing through November, but not so much that I won't have time to work on my NaNo novel.
Now if I can only manage to get back in the habit of painting on a regular basis. I haven't finished a single piece of new artwork since I moved to Montana! I'm pretty sure most of my fans on Deviant Art think I'm dead.
The Internet, of course, has changed many things for the good. But is it all good? What is the biggest problem the Internet has created for you or the world?
I'm rarely a die-hard "hey look the glass is half full" type of person, but when it comes to the topic of the internet, I am. I have met people, had experiences, and found opportunities via the internet that I wouldnot have gotten any other way. I personally don't feel it's true that the internet cuts you off from the rest of the world. I've always been a very shy, very introverted person, so in my case it actually got me to the point where I was making more connections with others as opposed to fewer.
The People I've Met
As I mentioned above, I am incredibly introverted and always have been. I just never have been, and very likely never will be, the type of person that goes out of their way to be friendly or make friends in real life. I have always kept to myself and disliked a lot of interaction or attention, especially if it's totally uninvited. As a result, I often didn't wind up building any close relationships with others at all or going very far out of my way to pursue job opportunities. My extreme introversion was kind of holding me back in life and probably always would have.
The internet has actually done a lot to open me up to new possibilities. For one thing, I get to express myself through writing here, and I've always been confident in my abilities as a writer. It took awhile for me to realize it, but I actually felt quite comfortable talking to people or approaching others when I was allowed to do it that way. As a result, I've met a lot of people from all over the world that my life literally wouldn't be the same without. My fiancé, for instance, and his awesome family, not mention any number of friends, fans, clients, and so forth that have made a huge difference in my quality of life over the past few years.
The Business Opportunities
I've always wanted to be someone who actually did my art and writing for an actual living on a freelance basis. However, because of my shyness and discomfort when it comes to pounding the pavement looking for clients, I know it's something I never would have actually done without the internet. The potential pay-off just would not have outweighed the horror involved with actually making cold calls or knocking on doors. Yes, it's still a lot of work to find clients, advertise myself, and prove myself to prospective buyers, but I'm able to do it within my comfort zone now. As a result, I've learned to have fun with it. I love that side of freelancing, actually.
Plus, I'm able to reach people all over the world when I utilize the internet. I have fans and clients from all over the globe. Sometimes I'm still caught by surprise in regards to the number of people I'm able to reach just by doing my own thing. That's something I wouldn't have been able to accomplish nearly as easily if I decided the internet was evil and that I was only going to try to market my services locally.
Oddly enough, having so much of my life and my career directly connected to the internet like this has helped me become more outgoing in real life. Don't get me wrong. I'll always kind of be shy and anti-social, but the additional confidence I've gained because of the things I've been able to achieve professionally and socially online has carried over into real life as well. I find it easier to talk to and approach people than I used to, so no... definitely no downside for me when it comes to the internet. I'm living proof that it can be used as a productive force that can really enhance your life and make it everything it can be.
